


Bad at Being Good, Bad at Being Bad

by happyaggro



Category: All Time Low (Band), Bandom, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks (Band), Zombieland Saga (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Demon Brendon Urie, Demon Patrick Stump, Gen, Humor, Mentioned Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun, Zombie Alex Gaskarth, Zombie Awsten Knight, unexpected but thematically appropriate anime character cameo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-13 21:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16480487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happyaggro/pseuds/happyaggro
Summary: The League of Evil Band Member Types has to let a rejected recruit down nicely, but not without some feedback.





	Bad at Being Good, Bad at Being Bad

In a generic looking building in a nondescript office park, four weird dudes were at an crossroads.

Brendon was trying his damndest to come across as empathetic and understanding, made harder with his demonic appearance. Blurryface kept looking to Brendon, waiting for him to say something. Patrick, the least intuned to human social norms of the lot of them, kept growling, low and impatient.

Awsten, sitting in the chair across from them, was as alert as someone in his state could be. He kept perfectly still, except for slight moments where his head started jerking a little too fast for someone in his state.

"Y'see, we just, we just don't see this working out. You're not really evil, y'know?"

Awsten lowered his head slightly and gave a slight whine.

Brendon leaned forward.

"There just isn't enough in your current profile that indicates you're an evil entity. So far you're just like...like..."

"It's like you're a pale, lumbering baby," Blurryface bluntly stated. "You have the composure and gait of a zombie, the freaky sudden movements of a demonicly possessed person, but the intimidation factor of neither."

"Like that. You're sinister but you're not an actual threat, at least not yet."

Patrick snarled in agreement.

Awsten's head jerked back up. He harshly grunted, slumping back in his chair.

Patrick snarled even louder in response, getting up from his chair. Blurryface interrupted this by grabbing Patrick's arm and pulling him back down.

"Easy there, fella."

"I see you don't agree with our assessment, Awsten," Brendon said calmly. "Before you dismiss us entirely, ask yourself: how do your bandmates tend to react to you?"

Awsten thought about it.

***

Sometime earlier, Geoff was sitting on the couch playing video games. Otto was looking at Awsten using Geoff's lap as a naptime pillow.

That wasn't what was weirding out Otto. As long as Otto's "Bizarre Activities Awsten Knight Can And Will Engage In" list was, napping on Geoff didn't make it on there. An Awsten napping on a Geoff is an Awsten that's firmly out of trouble. He was much more concerned about the mysterious rattling noise coming from Awsten.

"It's like purring, I guess?" Geoff speculated.

Otto sipped from his glass of water, not taking his eyes off Awsten.

"I don't even want to _know_ what it actually is."

***

Awsten groaned in frustration, slumping himself onto the desk.

"Not exactly the toughest guy in your circle of friends, got it. You got a romantic partner?"

"Nuh."

"You got an ex-romantic partner?"

"Yuh."

"Did you do creepy shit in the relationship before becoming a zombie? I'll treat doing creepy shit in the relationship after becoming a zombie as a given."

"Yuh."

"Was this creepy shit in part or wholly responsible for the breakup?"

Awsten's eyes closed. He started wistfully making circles on the table with his finger.

"Yuh..."

"Did you kill them?"

Awsten shook his head no.

"Ugh, killing a no longer loved one is the easiest way in! That's all you had to do!"

Brendon dramatically pointed to Patrick.

"Quit moping and look at Patrick, just look at Patrick! He killed his best friend! That's the level of badness you have to aspire to!"

Patrick nodded firmly.

"Show him your arm!"

Patrick showed off an advanced, badass looking prosthetic arm that definitely had some kind of "workable arm to cannon" conversion mechanic.

"This is what you get when you're loyal to the organization! Stick with the good guys and all you'll be left with is some janky hand that keeps falling off for an overdone running joke," Brendon bragged.

Awsten gave an impressed whistle.

"Ya see, even zombies understand good craftsmanship!" Brendon said.

Patrick beamed.

Blurryface chimed in. "We could be clearer as far as entry standards go."

"Easy for you to say, your look just screams evil. I thought my look just screamed evil too, but far too many jabs at my chin size took the wind out of that sail pretty damn quick."

"I'm not really an evil version of anybody though?" Blurryface said.

Brendon raised his eyebrows. "Wait, what? But you look just like Tyler."

Blurryface sighed, starting a well rehearsed explanation.

"I'm an abstract representation of Tyler's insecurities and anxiety, a personification of negativity. I don't have Tyler's appearance because I am actually representative of Tyler as a whole. I could be anyone's insecurities and anxiety. I could, in theory, look like anything, but since the Clique uses Tyler's image to present me the most, that's what I show up as. Sometimes Josh, but it just doesn't work. He just looks too friendly. People look at him and are temporarily relived of all their sorrows. Just doesn't feel right for him to be me. Doesn't stop people from trying sometimes."

"So you're not evil?"

"I'm evil by way of everyone innately hating me because I get in the way of them living a better life, is that good enough?"

"Yeah, let's not split hairs here. It's like when they kept pushing me to bring Alex into the fold, another freakin' zombie, and I'm like 'What did he even do?' Have you seen how _his_ bandmates react to him?"

***

Elsewhere, zombie Alex and still very much regular Jack were playing video games. Alex's intense focus wasn't enough to make up for his losses being astronomically low compared to Jack's wins in the game they were playing. [1]

"I know I should feel guilty for taking advantage of his reflexes being totally fucked," Jack said.

He looked to the reader and winked.

"But I'm not."

***

Awsten dejectedly wobbled towards the exit of the building. Oddly, there was a guy with a red suit and glasses on that he didn't recognize near the entry foyer.

He walked towards the man only to get assaulted by loud, aggressive yelling that put his past verbal ability to shame.

"< WOW, YOU'RE REALLY PUT TOGETHER, AREN'T YOU, BUD? >" the man shouted.

Awsten stared blankly at the man, who wasn't speaking English.

"< You're perfect! Absolutely perfect. You see, female idol groups are far more the most popular where I come from, but I can't successfully revitalize Saga Prefecture if I stick to what everyone else is doing. Local idols are a dying breed! I need something with more pinache to achieve my ultimate goal! >"

Awsten turned, finding Brendon and the others coming down the stairs to see him off. He eventually caught Brendon's eye and gave him a desperate "HELP ME" look.

The man violently turned Awsten's head back to face his, firmly gripping it with his hands.

Awsten angrily glared at the man. His mouth opened slightly, emitting a strange buzzing noise. [2]

"< Male local idols! Rotting corpses getting rotten girl money! > CAN YOU _DIG IT_?" he exclaimed, getting inches close to Awsten's face. [3]

Brendon trotted up to Awsten.

"Hey hey hey, I know you might want to try and kill this assclown where he stands, but I wouldn't recommend it. We just got new carpets in!"

Awsten settled for finding the strength within himself to actually say a simple phrase instead of guttural utterances.

"SHUT. UP!"

The words didn't make it through to the guy, but Awsten's intensity somehow did.

"<...I'll try again later...>" the man said as he walked off.

Brendon looked over to Awsten, whose eye was still twitching in response to the guy's ostentatious showing.

"Supposedly human disaster Kotaro Tatsumi! Keeps hanging around here, trying to recruit people to some pop idol group scheme he's got planned. It took us forever to find out what his deal is and he always comes back no matter how many times we kick him out."

Awsten tilted his head in confusion, much like a dog.

"He kept randomly saying English phrases here and there, so we thought we could hash things out. He's not actually fluent, he just peppers in English sayings because he thinks it makes him look cool."

Dismissive grunt.

"I know, right? Being an exploitative manager that preys on musicians for his own benefit by _far_ makes him the most evil person here."

"< OKAY, I THINK I KNOW HOW I NEED TO CONVINCE YOU TO COME WITH ME, ENTRAILS FOR BRAINS, COME ON OVER HERE!! >"

"Aw hell no, he's back."

Awsten explained his plan to get the man out of the building. His ability to explain said plan was largely dependent on enthusiastic grunting, janky arm motions, and an extremely valiant but failed attempt to say "fuckboy".

"Sure, man, you do you. I couldn't give less of a damn what happens to the guy."

Brendon went back to the others, who got back to their discussion. Sometime after, Patrick looked intently at Kotaro hauling ass out the door with Awsten behind him. The rest noticed.

"Fast running!" Brendon said. "He was holding out on us!"

**Author's Note:**

> [1] Shaun of the Dead nod, though if you want to know to what, you'll have to watch it!  
> [2] Taking creative liberties by showing traits like this and the prior rattling compared to the original "We Need To Talk" music video. While Awsten is depicted and acts like your typical zombie in said video, other aspects of the video (the rotation of the cross to an upside down position, his ex bringing in a priest, the general "THE EVIL IS NOW GONE FROM THIS HOUSE" vibes when the ex and priest found out that he left, interviews framing the contacts as 'demon' eyes) somewhat frame it as a demonic haunting. As alluded to by Blurryface, I'm presenting him as a zombie but one with something that's vaguely up with him.  
> [3] As fitting of the original canon, Kotoro's plan references the creation of "local idol" groups, pop vocal groups made to promote specific regions of Japan, like Saga Prefecture. In this case, Kotoro intends on creating a male idol side group to cater specifically to girls, referencing male idol spinoffs to regularly female idol focused series (Example: The Idolmaster vs The Idolmaster: SideM). His comment about female idol groups being "way more popular where he comes from" references female idol anime's popularity compared to male idol anime. (Example: Love Live versus practically any other male idol franchise ever...so far. In reality, some male idol groups in Japan do have more traction, such as the ever ubiquitous SMAP.) In this context, he's calling the kind of girls who would be into those acts fujoshis ("rotten girls") as a dismissive term for girl nerds in general.


End file.
